Monday, Monday...

yep. it's Monday.

and I'm tired, a little bored, a little hungry.

but i'm also looking forward to this week, it's going to be a little quieter than usual, simply because i have big plans to start working out, actually cooking at home instead of eating microwave food, and then finding something to do this weekend for Halloween! maybe. :)

random question of the day:

if you could live anywhere, if money/job/etc were no obstacle; where would it be??

why.

why is it that the things that happen when you least expect them affect you the strongest.

why is it that i can convince myself of something so much that when that actually happens i don't even know what to do....

because i've convinced myself that it doesn't matter. when really, it does.

IT'S OK TO FEEL.
it's ok to hurt.
it's ok to have emotions that aren't rational. because at least you are being honest with yourself.

the uncertainty.

so you know that I started a new job almost 3 months ago... packed up and moved away from my hometown. and it's a good job--a little boring, but it pays way better than anything I've ever had, and will look really great on a resume. I had all these plans to really save up, and eventually move out to NYC.

then, i get an email in my work inbox yesterday that tells us all that Philips will be doing "restructuring", e.g. lay-offs.

Nothing more, nothing about when it will happen, where it will happen, or who is it going to happen to.

but it made me realize that nothing is certain; even though I got this job, I have no guarantee that tomorrow my job is going to be there. true, that is always the case, with every job that I have ever had, but i guess it definitely caught me off guard when i felt that for once things were falling into place.

i'm just going to keep taking it one day at a time... and be grateful for what i have, and the options that *are* at my disposal. 

why are men like this??

so last night i was sitting out on my little porch at my apartment, minding my own business, reading a book. i notice this guy walking in the parking lot below me. he keeps looking up at me, and slowly walks toward me, still looking and looking. i kind of shoot him a dirty look and shrug my shoulders as if to ask "WHAT? Why are you looking at me?". he finally gets pretty close, but still below me, and says "I was trying to see your ring". and I say, "what, this ring?". and show him my non-wedding hand. then it dawns on me... he wants to see if i have a wedding ring. so i say, "yeah, I'm married.". His eyes get big and he's like "ok, bye, neighbor".

but seriously??? I had to lie to just get him to leave me alone?

just plugging away...

back at work, trying to keep my eyes open.

after the trip to Saskatoon last week, i still feel that i'm catching up on sleep! probably the combined effects of air travel, 1 hour time difference, and getting very little sleep before and during the trip.

it was so good to see my family, though. Uncle Andrew, Aunt Diana, Uncle Kevin, Alexandra, Rebeka (of course, the Bride!), Anthony, Angela, Desmond, and of course my parents, Graham, Charlotte and Julia. Mor-Mor I had seen the most recently, at Christmas time, but it was good to spend some time with her as well. I love my family, and I have begun to appreciate our differences, no matter how frustrating it may be at times! I joke about looking like I'm adopted, but it also feels sometimes that I am emotionally and intellectually adopted as well. I have my dad's easygoing nature, but my mom's interest in travel, culture, and literature. But beyond that, I have realized as I get older, that so much of my personality and interests is *my own*. My experiences are different from the next person, and that includes my family, even if we share DNA, ancestry, or a common birthplace.

Seeing my mom's hometown was very hmm, what's the word, nostalgic comes to mind, but it was maybe more of a second-hand nostalgic. It is the same feeling I get when I come back to Portland after an absence, but this time I was seeing it through the eyes of my mother. I know that it really meant alot to her for us to see where she grew up and has so many good memories. At the same time, it was hard to understand what exactly she was feeling because it is *her* memory after all, not ours. But I now feel a certain understanding of where she came from, even though the town has changed drastically in the past 3 or 4 decades since she lived there.